TOM J. STERN: THE INTERVIEW

April 10, 1998

What got you into filmmaking, and when was the point that you realized you could actually make a living out of it?

TJS:The reason I went into film was this: When I was thirteen, a huge, swarthy man appeared at the foot of my bed and commanded me to get into filmmaking. Owing to my fragile grasp of reality at that age, it may have all been a hallucination, but I decided not to take any chances- living or no living, I don't want to piss that burly bastard off- he's liable to chew off my nuts .

CAN you make a living out of it?

TJS:Living? No. But you CAN make a delicious casserole out of it.

Is there anything you've done so far which absolutely cracks you up?

TJS:Having seen all my crap so much, the conceptual humor wears off. But what still cracks me up is the amazing physicality of some of Alex's characters: Mister Kreznick's primal scream when his wife is chopped up. Pa Howie's beady, hateful eyes squinting through his filthy glasses and the way he hoists the bucket of green slop onto his table. The way Howie looks like a cornered rat in Trump Tower and that weird twitchy thing he does with his fingers.

Is there anything that's painful to watch?

TJS:Yes- CNN, when they go into a closeup on Larry King's face.

What, in your opinion, is the most off-color, or demented thing you've ever filmed?

TJS:Gibby Haynes jacking off in a red hot skillet only to have his sizzlin' spunk spell out the word SATAN has got to be up there. Of course I also filmed myself squirting AIDS infected blood out of a scab covered penis all over a crowded NYC subway car. As far as non-penis based dementia, I guess when I had a half naked girl licking a rancid beeftongue lolly pop in the Marilyn Manson video belongs in the pantheon of wrong.

You've done some stuff on your own now, and some stuff with Alex too, is it easier or harder to have more than one person directing?

TJS:Depends- a quality adult undergarment at a fair price.

Did you guys ever have disagreements on the set?

TJS:Only once, when I wanted to play the Santa Flan Milkman naked with a feather duster in my ass. He said it would be "distracting". Sheesh.

What kind of feedback have you gotten on FREAKED?

TJS:Most people consider Freaked to be their most treasured life experience. Except for Mr. T. He loathes it and has vowed to kill everyone involved.

In spite of being dumped by FOX, do you think FREAKED was a success as to what you and Alex envisioned?

TJS:I can't speak for Alex, but what I envisioned was a three hour slow zoom into Morely Safer's urethra, maybe with an intermission. So obviously I am disappointed.

What was the division of labor like on the set of FREAKED?

TJS:Pretty even, except Alex never washed one damn dish. Not one!

Was it tempting to write yourself a bigger part for it?

TJS:Yes. I wanted to play Morely Safer's pee-hole, but the studio insisted on Gabe Kaplan. In retrospect, I must admit they were right. Gabe was a very powerful pee-hole.

You told me a while back that you thought acting was the most fun to you, have you been approached or read for any parts lately?

TJS:I read for the part of Pud in the upcoming "Bazooka Joe: The Feature". I'm still waiting by the phone to hear. It's been twelve years.

You're directing some movie parodies for TBS featuring chimps. What movies did you pick, and what was your criteria for deciding if a film was worthy of this dubious honor?

TJS:They made us do the most popular films of recent years. Except for E.T., which I refused to do because I think it's offensive to short deformed people who look like testicles.

How is it working with chimps and what exactly do you have to do to get them to do what you want?

TJS:It's great working with chimps. Except for those damn flying chimps with poison fangs. They're scary. I tended to call in sick when they were working. To get chimps to do what you want involves a lot of Ho-Hos and Ding-Dongs, and occasionally you have to let them pick through your ass hair for grubs.

What are some of the video pranks you've pulled, and which ones have garned you your favorite reactions from the unsuspecting public?

TJS:The NYC Subway Nightmare: I played a scab ridden homeless AIDS victim begging for money on a crowded subway car. When I unvieled my realistic looking lesion infested penis and sprayed blood out of it, the reaction was remarkable. Everyone left through the subway doors very quickly but in a suprisingly orderly fashion- like it wasn't the first time this had happened.

I went to Dodger Stadium, playing a really flaming baseball fan and proceeded to cheerlead a section of crowd. I gradually slipped in more and more graphic homoerotic remarks like "Mike Piazza! Mike Piazza! How I want to squeeze your Azza!". A large jarheaded guy with a neckwarmer haircut flew off the handle and berated me, but I stood my ground and said "Oooh, you're sexy when you're irate!". He screamed for security and they hauled me away, which caused the whole section to erupt in cheers.

What are some of your favorite movies and/or directors?

TJS:I love Kubrick, Scorcese, and lots of others. One of my favorite comedies of recent times is Flirting With Disaster, I think. I liked Face Off a lot. I recently rewatched Midnight Cowboy, which was truly great. I love the animation of Jan Svankmejer and the Brothers Quay. Early Woody Allen films, like Love and Death. Monty Python of course. The list goes on and on. I'm forgetting most of them, obviously. Fargo was great.

About your band: What kind of music do you do, what instrument do you play? Have you been signed to a label yet, or is this just a hobby type thing for you?

TJS:SPORK was an experiment in throbbing, heavy industrial punk. It is currently hibernating. I sang, composed on a computer and sampler, and played a little guitar. The project is currently hibernating, but I'm going to finish our epic video we shot long ago soon. It features much nudity, blood, Patton and Barry White. No record deal yet, but I could send you a sound file for the web page I guess.

What kinds of music are you listening to these days?

TJS:Is there any good new music these days? You tell me. I listen to my cd collection, which is nice and big and not really dense with recent releases. At this moment I'm listening to Raymond Scott. Some of the best songs ever include "Jungle Boogie" by Kool and the Gang, "In My Time of Dying" by Zepplin, "You Belong to Me" by Elvis Costello, "53rd and 3rd" by the Ramones Some of my fave records are James Brown's Funky People vol 1 & 2, The Stooges "Funhouse", "Never Mind the Bollocks" by the Sex Pistols, The New York Dolls, Public Enemy first 2, Dr. Dre's The Chronic kicks ass. Oh yeah, I like Dr. Octagon a lot. I also happen to love Steely Dan. And of course Coltrane, Monk, Ellington, Louis Prima, Hendrix, there's so much great music out there, it's tough to keep coming up with exciting new styles. But I'm sure something else exciting will come along eventually.

"American Werewolf in Paris" is coming out soon. Have you gotten to see the finished project yet? Were you pleased with it?

TJS:It's an abomination. Tim and I wrote a good first draft, and they took it away and rewrote it 12 times and the result is completely embarrassing. I claim no responsibility at all for the heap of shit that it turned out to be. I highly recommend filling your underwear with live pirannahs as a pleasant alternative to seeing it.

In conclusion, let me say that my recent discoveries involving re-usable jam have exciting possibilities for humankind, but we must also be frank about the potential for abuse of this potent technology. The main thing is to be sure to rinse the jam thouroughly before eating it the second time. Also, avoid eating this jam in the presence of Arabs, as it tends to infuriate them. Exactly why this happens is unclear. Theories range from the plausible ("religious reasons") to the likely ("they're just jealous"), but in any case we cannot let the ire of a few fanatics stop the great march of progress (with regards to jam). Good evening. Oh, and one final note- if anyone finds my esophagus, please have it sent to my room.